12 Awesomely Bitter Love Songs… Happy Valentine’s Day!

weddingsinger

For all of those us who will be spending this Valentine’s Day at home watching TV and playing video games (because we totally don’t need a girlfriend to define who we are and Valentine’s Day is just a holiday made up by the corporations to take our money), we’ve compiled a list of 12 of the most  awesome bitter love songs.

12. Sister Sisters | Kiss You Off

As Scissor Sisters’ vocalist Ana Matronic put it: “It’s not a love song, it’s a falling-out-of-love song… It’s about knowing you’re better than how you’re being treated in a relationship and getting the fuck out… and then telling him to kiss your ass!”

11. Reel Big Fish | All I Want Is More

This song has one of my favorite bitter-ex lines ever: “Some day, maybe you’ll come back to me and I’ll say, “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?” Pure poetry!

10. The Heavy | How You Like Me Now

The Heavy’s “How You Like Me Now” is kind of a head-scratcher when it comes to love. According to singer Kelvin Swaby, this song is about basically trying to get your lady to break it off with you (i.e. showing off that you cheated on her with another woman).

Fast Fact: These dudes get extra credit for legally ordering Newt Gingrich to stop using this song in his 2012 Presidential Campaign. Bruce Springsteen would be proud.

09. Fitz & The Tantrums | MoneyGrabber

You ever have that boyfriend or girlfriend who relies on you for everything? You have to keep gettin’ em out of trouble because they can’t do anything on their own? Imagine that as a song sung by a new-age Four Tops.

08. Alanis Morissette | You Oughta Know

This song made Alanis Morissette the poster-child for bitter, angry female rockers. When you realize the song is about Full House’s Uncle Joey, the line “Does she go down on you in a theater” just got much more awkward.

07. Mike Posner & The Brain Trust | Evil Woman

Using a sample of the ELO classic, Mike Posner throws in his signature pop/dance twist. I guess the message has transcended generations: Never trust them womens, yo.

06. Cake | I Will Survive

This is one of my all-time favorite covers. Gloria Gaynor’s original disco hit about not letting a no-good significant other come back into your life, the Cake version is much more stripped-down and subtle (as all of Cake’s songs are). They also throw a little F-bomb in there for good measure.

05. Soft Cell | Tainted Love

Sometimes you just feel so trapped in a relationship that you just have to break out, like a caged tiger or lion or some other awesome cat-like creature (Jaguar?). This is another fantastic cover of a classic soul track, but Soft Cell’s synth version is undeniably one of the most recognizable songs of the 80s.

04. J. Geils Band | Love Stinks

If you’ve ever seen The Wedding Singer (I hope you all have) then you know why this song is on the list. For the truly scorned and bitter, the thought of seeing people in love makes you want to puke.

03. Eamon | Fuck It

One of the truly great send-offs to a cheating girlfriend, Eamon is basically saying what we are all thinking when you found out your lover has found another (Spoiler: A LOT OF F-BOMBS).

02. Mark Morrison | Return of the Mack

“Return of the Mack” is what we would like to imagine our newly-single life will be like, if only to shove it in the face of our ex. In reality, we are sitting at home watching Netflix, eating ice cream, and looking through old Facebook photos.

01. The Vandals | My Girlfriend’s Dead

Let’s say your girlfriend dumps you, and people keep bugging you about it: “Where is [Insert hussie’s name here]?” “Why did you guys break up?” “Are you okay?” What if, instead of answering all of these painful questions, you just told everyone she was dead? You may not enjoy The Vandals’ party-punk sound, but “My Girlfriend’s Dead” is one of the most imaginative and hilarious post-breakup burn songs EVER.

And a few more fun videos to get you all through the lonely nights… featuring Adam Sandler. Enjoy!

Angel Haze is Cray!

Have you heard about this chick? Angel Haze. She is pullin’ out the baller Aailyah look, but spittin’ out rhymes like a combination of Luda + Drake. I’m all confused but impressed, even though her stuff is a lil’ dirtayyy. Just check out this video. I mean, she’s throwin’ bills in kids faces with a Freddy Krueger hand.

10 Must-Have New Year’s Eve Party Songs

new-years-eve

With everyone releasing their “Top New Year’s Eve tracks” playlists, we figured we should get in on the action. Because, well, they can suck it and we are better. There’s a few on our list that you might expect, and a few that you won’t (Spoiler: That Mariah Carey “Auld Lang Syne” techno-BS is NOT on this list).

10. U2 | “New Year’s Day”

Is this song about changes to come in the New Year? Is it about a soldier trying to get home during WWII? Does anyone really care what Bono is talking about? Who knows. Take whatever meaning you want from the song, but it’s a great rock tune, and it’s been a classic New Year’s song for years. I think everybody forgets that U2 used to play some good rock (a long, long, long time ago).

9. Snoop Dogg feat. Marty James | “New Year’s Eve”

It wouldn’t be a proper song list if there wasn’t a “It’s so bad, it’s good” entry. “New Year’s Eve” is a half-assed attempt at modern hip hop NYE anthem. It has a dumb chorus, and even worse rhymes by Snoop like “11:59 and not a second later// She’s stayin’ in the mix like a crossfader.” Thanks to Snoop Dogg for constantly making terrible songs that we love.

8. Death Cab for Cutie | “The New Year”

I will probably get some shit because Death Cab are not necessarily known for their upbeat songs, or the fact this song was on the “O.C,” but the idea of grabbing this moment and making it what you want is something to be admired. Actually, this is probably one of the most upbeat Death Cab songs ever.

7. Madonna | “Holiday”

I know it’s hard to imagine that there was a time when Madonna made great pop hits and was slutting it up as a hot 20-something (as opposed to slutting it up like a 55-year-old mother of 4). A feel-good dance track about just dropping everything to take a holiday is perfect for NYE. This song is forever a reminder of what Madonna has done for Pop music.

6. Michael Jackson | “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough”

Though almost any song from Jackson’s Off the Wall would make for a good NYE jam, the infectious groove from “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough” springs it past all other New Year’s Eve-worthy MJ tracks. I mean, if you had to pick a song to dance to in a sparkly tuxedo, this is THAT song.

5. Daft Punk | “One More Time”

I’m sad that this song doesn’t show up on more NYE party lists. It’s a techno-pop classic, everyone knows the words (there’s only like 3 lines), it’s about dancing and celebrating, what else could make it a more worthy entry? Nothing. So make sure this is on your playlist come midnight!

4. REM | “It’s the End of the World As We Know It”

Half the fun of this apocalyptic rock classic is trying to sing along with it. Make sure to watch everyone attempt a drunken mumble through the spit-fire, nonsensical verses. Nobody will care because it’s New Year’s Eve and they’re all drunk, but God help you if you miss the “Leonard Bernstein” moment.

3. Earth, Wind & Fire | “September”

This is a perfect NYE jam because it not only encompasses reflecting upon fond memories, but it’s also one of the greatest funk songs ever. When this song kicks on, you better be dancing in a stupid hat with a bottle of cheap champagne in your hand.

2. Kool & The Gang | “Celebration”

Probably the #1 choice for NYE party-goers over the age of 50, and for good reason. It’s got a funky groove, an easy to sing chorus, and a part where you can seriously just yell “Ya-hoo!” It’s called “Celebration,” for crying out loud. It may be cheesy, but come 12:01am, you’ll be singing along just like everyone else.

1. Prince | “1999”

1999 from PRINCE on Myspace.

Because I will use any excuse to listen to Prince. End of the old year? Prince. Beginning of the New Year? Prince. If Prince is playing in the background as the world come to a firey end, I will go out with a smile on my face.

12 Most Ridiculous Christmas Songs

bcandmerchxmas

This year, instead of bringing you the most crunk Christmas songs, we have decide to give you the most ridiculous. These tracks range from songs about a gathering of pimps to a murderous cowboy Santa Claus. If you’re sick of hearing “Have Yourself a Merry Christmas” and “Let It Snow” every year, spice it up with some totally insane Christmas jams!

12. Run-DMC | “Christmas In Hollis”

This has been one of my all-time favorite Christmas songs since I was a kid. Something about finding Santa’s wallet sounded like a good time to me.

11. Ludacris | “Ludacrismas”

I feel like Luda could have gone completely HAM with this track if he hadn’t recorded it specifically for the steaming pile of Christmas crap that was Fred Claus. Still, throwing a thumping beat on top of “Here Comes Santa Claus” puts this track on the list of crunk Christmas tunes.

10. No Doubt | “Oi to the World”

This song was originally written by Orange County punkers The Vandals, but the No Doubt version is more up beat, even for a song about a punk and a skinhead agreeing to fight on a rooftop on Christmas Day. (Spoiler: They end up becoming chums and spend Christmas getting drunk together… you know, because it’s Christmas and all).

9. Outkast | “Player’s Ball”

A gathering of pimps on Christmas Day sounds like a fun time to me, no? One of Outkast’s early jams, it showcases their Southern laid-back flows and g-funk style.

8. Nate Dogg & Snoop Dogg | “Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto”

Man, I miss Nate Dogg. He could make any song sound like it belonged on the Dolemite soundtrack. This is a take on James Brown’s “Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto,” albeit with a much more g-funk vibe, and Snoop’s nonsensical rhyming about Christmas stuff.

7. Dirty Boyz | “All I Want For Christmas Is To Get It Crunk”

The title says everything you need to know about this song.

6. Ying Yang Twins | “Sleigh Ride”

What’s really hilarious about this Ying Yang Twins Christmas banger is that you can tell they legitimately put thought into it. It has a nice, pop hook, and they really only ask Santa for peace on Earth (and rims for the Bentley, of course).

5. The 69 Boyz | “What You Want For Christmas”

This is exactly what you would expect from the group that did the 90s smash-hit “Tootsie Roll.” Seriously, it’s like the exact same beat and everything.

4. Pansy Division | “Homo Christmas”

Openly gay musician Jon Ginoli started Pansy Division in the early 90s because he was frustrated with a lack of openly gay indie artists. “Homo Christmas” is what I imagine Ginoli wrote to poke fun at people that didn’t understand homosexuality, especially with lines like “Licking nipples/Licking nuts/Putting candy canes/Up each other’s butts.”

3. The Killers | “Don’t Shoot Me Santa”

The idea of Santa reaping vengeance upon the wicked of the world is bad ass, if you ask me. If you really think about the lyrics, I’m pretty sure the kid in this song killed a bunch of other kids that would pick on him. I don’t know what darkness Brandon Flowers was getting into, but I’m just going to focus on the Santa being a gun-slinging hard ass.

2. Ying Yang Twins | “Deck Da Club”

A Christmas song for the strip club, you say? By the Ying Yang Twins? How could this NOT be utterly ridiculous? Take “Deck The Halls,” add banging bass, the notorious Ying Yang Twins “Ahhhh!” strung throughout, and terrible lines like “Deck the club with piles of money,” and you’ve got a Ying Yang Twins Christmas classic!

1. Eazy-E | “Merry Muthaphukkin Christmas”

A Dolemite introduction, followed by about 6 minutes of Eazy-E utterly destroying every Christmas carol with a medley about guns, hoes, money, cars, cop-killin’, and all other aspects of the gangsta lifestyle. Merry Muthafuckin’ Christmas, everyone!

Kanye West performs “Bound 2″ w/ Charlie Wilson & The Roots on Jimmy Fallon

To say Yeezus was an utter disappointment to me, may be a little harsh, but if you think about it, Kanye’s latest (and overly-hyped) album just sounded like a continuation of Watch The Throne and G.O.O.D. Music’s Cruel Summer. It all sounded the same to me. And this is coming from someone who has worshiped Yeezy from College Dropout. I thought he could do no wrong, musically, until Yeezus. The one stand-out track is “Bound 2,” a soulful jam that recalls Kanye’s first 3 albums.

He brings out Charlie Wilson and The Roots to play the track with him, and it’s pure hip hop beauty that reminds me why I always forget Ye’s shortcomings (except for Kanye’s outfit, I can’t forgive that).