For all of those us who will be spending this Valentine’s Day at home watching TV and playing video games (because we totally don’t need a girlfriend to define who we are and Valentine’s Day is just a holiday made up by the corporations to take our money), we’ve compiled a list of 12 of the most awesome bitter love songs.
12. Sister Sisters | Kiss You Off
As Scissor Sisters’ vocalist Ana Matronic put it: “It’s not a love song, it’s a falling-out-of-love song… It’s about knowing you’re better than how you’re being treated in a relationship and getting the fuck out… and then telling him to kiss your ass!”
11. Reel Big Fish | All I Want Is More
This song has one of my favorite bitter-ex lines ever: “Some day, maybe you’ll come back to me and I’ll say, “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?” Pure poetry!
10. The Heavy | How You Like Me Now
The Heavy’s “How You Like Me Now” is kind of a head-scratcher when it comes to love. According to singer Kelvin Swaby, this song is about basically trying to get your lady to break it off with you (i.e. showing off that you cheated on her with another woman).
Fast Fact: These dudes get extra credit for legally ordering Newt Gingrich to stop using this song in his 2012 Presidential Campaign. Bruce Springsteen would be proud.
09. Fitz & The Tantrums | MoneyGrabber
You ever have that boyfriend or girlfriend who relies on you for everything? You have to keep gettin’ em out of trouble because they can’t do anything on their own? Imagine that as a song sung by a new-age Four Tops.
08. Alanis Morissette | You Oughta Know
This song made Alanis Morissette the poster-child for bitter, angry female rockers. When you realize the song is about Full House’s Uncle Joey, the line “Does she go down on you in a theater” just got much more awkward.
07. Mike Posner & The Brain Trust | Evil Woman
Using a sample of the ELO classic, Mike Posner throws in his signature pop/dance twist. I guess the message has transcended generations: Never trust them womens, yo.
06. Cake | I Will Survive
This is one of my all-time favorite covers. Gloria Gaynor’s original disco hit about not letting a no-good significant other come back into your life, the Cake version is much more stripped-down and subtle (as all of Cake’s songs are). They also throw a little F-bomb in there for good measure.
05. Soft Cell | Tainted Love
Sometimes you just feel so trapped in a relationship that you just have to break out, like a caged tiger or lion or some other awesome cat-like creature (Jaguar?). This is another fantastic cover of a classic soul track, but Soft Cell’s synth version is undeniably one of the most recognizable songs of the 80s.
04. J. Geils Band | Love Stinks
If you’ve ever seen The Wedding Singer (I hope you all have) then you know why this song is on the list. For the truly scorned and bitter, the thought of seeing people in love makes you want to puke.
03. Eamon | Fuck It
One of the truly great send-offs to a cheating girlfriend, Eamon is basically saying what we are all thinking when you found out your lover has found another (Spoiler: A LOT OF F-BOMBS).
02. Mark Morrison | Return of the Mack
“Return of the Mack” is what we would like to imagine our newly-single life will be like, if only to shove it in the face of our ex. In reality, we are sitting at home watching Netflix, eating ice cream, and looking through old Facebook photos.
01. The Vandals | My Girlfriend’s Dead
Let’s say your girlfriend dumps you, and people keep bugging you about it: “Where is [Insert hussie's name here]?” “Why did you guys break up?” “Are you okay?” What if, instead of answering all of these painful questions, you just told everyone she was dead? You may not enjoy The Vandals’ party-punk sound, but “My Girlfriend’s Dead” is one of the most imaginative and hilarious post-breakup burn songs EVER.
And a few more fun videos to get you all through the lonely nights… featuring Adam Sandler. Enjoy!